Waking up from a 9 Month Nightmare

I am starting to put the pieces back together… slowly… carefully, meticulously. This nightmare isn’t over, but it also won’t have the last say.

What the F*ck happened these past 9 months. Who was I 9 months ago… who am I today — different, changed, and liberated. All of my growth has been due to an unexpected slowdown due to the shutdown of Covid-19. It takes 9 months for a child to be born… I have had great growing pains this past 9 months and I am ready to embrace being reborn.

9 months ago the nightmare began… I went into hiding that lead the death of death. The man I was before I do not recognize but I do not entirely deny or somedays envy. I was living life to the fullest, getting close to the sun, and placing all my bets on the table. I was leaving nothing back and betting big on this fantastical and somewhat audacious dreaming of building an empire, an empire that overnight turned into dust.

“By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” — Genesis 3:19

Today, I am awaking to the dawn of a new realization that dust really doesn’t matter at all, not in the slightest. I was building a safety net, a security blanket that coddled me into deception that I could somehow obtain my desired future by forging forward alone and with selfish desires. That future was never mine to build, and my faith which has always been a hard journey to possess for myself was dim. I didn’t understand faith before this damned yet blessed year of 2020. The verse God has written on my heart and my wrists has been:

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” — Matthew 6:34

The first 3 months of the shutdown were unbearable and unimaginable. I was broken and seemingly beyond repair. I was an utter failure and a miserable fool for believing in such fantastical dreams. I let everyone down and I wanted to die. I prayed for relief daily, somedays I still do. I…