31st Year of Life

I will never forget this year, as I am sure few will. This has been my most difficult year personally, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually. In every way imaginable this year has truly been a struggle. The great irony is how large of expectations 30-year-old Spencer had for this new decade. The disappointment and loss I’ve experienced this year has often been overwhelming. Just remembering some of the terrifyingly dark days and nights takes my breath away. Why did all of this happen, and why did so much that I built and dreamed burn down? I may never know on this side of heaven. I have slowed down to a unbearable halt and stillness these past months. I look at my New Years resolutions as this year slips away to its end and the expectations seem almost laughable on this side of time. Why… why… why?

The embers are still burning and there will be more fire and loss before this is over. I realize my experience is not entirely unique to the shared mourning the world has seen this fateful year. 2020 will not soon be forgotten, or for many, not forgotten soon enough. I fought hard against the change, the loss, the sadness this year and continue to fight for a very unknown future. Today on my last day of being 30, the eve of my 31st birthday, I am reflecting and trying to learn and meditate on who I am today and where the Lord is leading me. I have more questions than answers, but by grace I have that peace which surpasses understanding — and that is a very great gift indeed.

One of the new signs of life in this scorched landscape has been learning about what faith really is all about. My whole life I’ve been sprinting by any means necessary to succeed at something and do something to make sense of an often contradictory and absurd existence. I graduated from university and seminary early, made my films quickly, and was at war with the mundane moments of life so I never had to look inside the dark parts of my heart. That deep dark stare into the void and brokenness of my soul was too terrifying to behold. I had to keep running away from my past and who I was… but no matter where I went or what I did, I was still there and my heavy heart weighed me down to a bottomless pit of despair. I have dealt with so much before in my life and I wished I had gone deeper before, but this year everything came crashing down and I was forced to take account of the life I’ve…